š„Rediscovering Childhood as Adults
Many of us were forced to behave like adults from childhood which got me thinking: Is there a way to rediscover childhood as adults?
Every weekday, without fail around 5 pm, thereās a child screaming its lungs out on the street where I live. The parent in question usually stops dead in their tracks and lets their child carry on crying until it calms down. Some parents try to intervene by hugging or shouting at the child, while many stop and watch without a single reaction. It baffles me how much a child can cry and for how long.
Whatās special about that time of the day? 5pm is when parents collect their children from school in Spain: ergo when all emotional dysregulation of the day comes to surface.
Hearing the wails of these children all the way in my flat across the street really stresses me out. I tend to ask myself What could have possibly happened for a child to screech that way? What is hurting so much you canāt say it? Was it school or home that triggers you?
On her Instagram account, Dr. Nicole LePera, psychologist and author of How to Do the Work, often shares how parents are supposed to be our safe place and children are not yet capable of self-regulation. The wailing after school suddenly makes sense to me.
From Emotionally Dysregulated Children to Emotionally Dysregulated Adults
I, just like many of my friends, am a 90s kid - a time where mental health and wellbeing were not spoken about easily. The absence of social media also limited our awareness on what childhood trauma, a toxic upbringing, and emotional dysregulation looks like.
I only realised that a lot of us are children stuck in adult bodies after I started working. Friends, colleagues, and relatives, have since then shared how difficult their childhood was and how it has shaped them to be the person they are.
Iāve been told about parents who couldnāt control their anger and frustrations, venting everything on their innocent children in horrible ways like corporal punishment. Other peers have told me how they had to financially contribute to their household from a young age or how they were expected to raise siblings.
It seems our generation has entered into a cycle of emotional dysregulation or never had the privilege to escape our own as a child because of our domestic situations. Rather than living a carefree, happy childhood, we have been adulting from very early on. Dr. Nicole says its why suffer from crippling anxiety, addictions, and depression, and are filled with unfounded fears and insecurities.
Thatās not to say we must blame parents: a lot of them didnāt know what they were doing. Some were barely adults when they had us.
Thankfully, a handful of my peers have been aware enough to go to therapy, find holistic ways to resolve their childhood trauma, and spiritual means to regulate their emotions.
Others are unaware of their trauma and its effects with another danger looming: spreading this trauma over to upcoming generations through the parenting style they may subconsciously copy from their progenitors.
The good news is that awareness on emotional dysregulation and toxic parenting styles is growing among parents nowadays: there are countless podcasts on gentle parenting as well as books and courses available. They seem to be in high demand.
And while Iām a firm believer in confronting someone to share how their actions affect us, I have realised that not all parents are open to this. Until they donāt see the impact of their actions themselves, no course, book, or podcast will help them change their mind. This is especially the case when it comes to the generation that raised us. It may hurt to see our parents unaffected by our hurt, creating resentment at our very core.
Crafting Our Childhood Anew
As it stands, I see two choices: we can sit here resenting our parents for all they did wrong or we can choose to change the narrative. One way I do this is by crafting my childhood anew.
I have rekindled hobbies from my childhood such as blowing bubbles, taking long walks in nature, crafting miniature dollhouses, and reading fairytales. These help me feel like the child I wanted to be for longer. Without limits or constraints of any kind.
I also choose to daydream without guilt, go to bed early, and sleep in when I want to. I still hold my motherās hand when crossing the road, and sometimes sing a funny lullaby to my husband just so we can both laugh till our belly hurts. I lie down in my motherās lap whenever I visit her, and ask her to play with my hair.
On rough days, I let my tears flow and silently wait for them to subside. I watch my anger tell me what I am deeply dissatisfied by instead of thinking I'm horrible for feeling angry. I convince my psyche that my fears are not true by taking small steps towards my goals each day.
All this to say I give myself permission to be that child I wasnāt given permission to be. I may not be able to change an adultās perspective and behaviour, but I can parent myself and get the emotional regulation I need. To me, thatās enough for this lifetime.
We all need permission to be our sweet, innocent, and kind selves once again. Why not give it to yourself first?
With gratitude,
Raksha