How to Live Authentically with Equanimity According to a Coach
In a recent conversation with coach Shivani Narang, I learnt how to craft an authentic life with equanimity. Find out what she recommends in this post.
There are moments in life where we feel stuck. We may find ourselves in unsuitable jobs, or relationships that make us feel small. We may be saying ‘yes’ when meaning ‘no’, and attempting to please others at all costs. Life can appear hunky-dory despite it all.
But when our personal or professional roles and responsibilities don’t align with our being over time, and we continue anyway [because we want to prove something to others], we may experience failure, burnout, resentment, and deep disillusionment.
In his book 12 Rules For Life, Jordan Peterson claims this is when “Your soul rejects the tyranny of the will”. I couldn’t have put it better. At times, we are the tyrants in our lives.
I’ve been there before, and made it a goal to understand what living an authentic life means ever since. The universe worked its magic by connecting me with the right people who showed me how to make a change for the better.
A few months ago eg, I met Shivani Narang, a mindfulness and emotional wellbeing coach, on LinkedIn. Our conversations grew by commenting on each other’s posts about life, work, relationships, and the expectations society piles on us.
We hopped on a call soon after to chat about questions such as ‘What does it mean to live an authentic life? What is normal? Why do our relationships feel strained at times? And why do we conform to societal pressures?’
With Shivani’s permission, I am sharing snippets of a recent conversation in this post. Because we all deserve the joy that comes from living an authentic, fulfilling life. I hope her fresh take on and light-hearted approach helps you define your normal like it did for me.
Crafting your normal
Raksha: ‘Hi Shivani. Your LinkedIn profile says you’ve been through a burnout after working in a high-pressure environment for years. You also mentioned reinventing your life: you left your consulting role and became a coach. You seem much happier since then. I was intrigued by this change and wanted to ask: ‘Given that life is different for everyone, how do we define what’s inauthentic? And what’s normal for us?’
Shivani: ‘Hi Raksha. Firstly, nobody should define your normal. ‘Normal’ is relative and subjective. It could be the specific domestic life, partner, type of upbringing, and type of work you choose.
The problem arises when we compare our life to others’. Suddenly, everything in our life feels inadequate because of it. We may think our sibling’s 9-5 job could be the right one for us, even if we need more downtime or experience chronic health issues. Or we may try to be the perfect wives like our aunts and mums, even though we don’t enjoy domestic duties or hosting parties.
People run into problems when expecting their partners to fit into the mould of a perfect wife/husband. We cherry pick parts we like and dislike. The art is in accepting the person as a whole and finding your new normal together.
Giving our partners and ourselves space for individuality is the way to acceptance and living an authentic life. In other words: you need to know yourself, what you value, and what makes you tick. Else you’ll keep falling for someone else’s definitions of normal and live a misaligned, inauthentic life.’
What about societal norms?
Raksha: ‘That’s all fine and well. But what happens when we are told ‘Why are you complaining? Everyone does it. Stop making a big deal about things we’ve all been through.’
I’m thinking of matters such as the choice to stay childless, the difficulties we face when living in joint families, migrating to and living in foreign countries without a support system, and the dogma of cultural norms like getting married because everyone does it. How do you deal with them?’
Shivani: ‘Valid points, Raksha. This is what I call the weight of societal expectations. Even society tries to mould us to its expectations and many of us blindly adhere. It’s the reason why people get fed up and reinvent themselves later on in life.
Despite what works for others, you need to decide what your life is going to be like instead of letting society and family do it for you.
I often advise young people to move out of their parents’ homes and live alone for a while, before getting married. This helps them understand their likes, dislikes, values, and needs, and increases self-awareness and self-sufficiency.
My favourite example is a scene from the movie Runaway Bride (1999), where Richard Gere points out how unaware Julia Roberts is of her preferences. Every time they are together, he nudges her to order what she likes. He realises and confronts her with the statement "You don't even know what kind of eggs you like".
Granted, it’s just eggs in this example, but it can be extrapolated to different areas. We don’t want to end up without knowing what we need and like.
Bringing equanimity into the picture
Raksha: ‘That's useful, and I bet it’s an example many [women] can relate to. Putting our needs and wants aside has become culturally ingrained over time. During one of our conversations, you mentioned equanimity helps manage both societal and individual expectations, and foster compassion amidst adversity. Tell us how this works, please?’
Shivani: ‘Sure. Equanimity is not something we are born with, and with quick and easy access to everything nowadays, we will need to consciously cultivate it. I define equanimity as the acceptance of the good and bad with calmness and composure—like a grandparent accepts both their naughty and docile grandchildren with equal amounts of love.
The trouble lies in running away from discomfort and challenges. We want to sweep them under the carpet rather than confronting them. Because of this approach, we don’t get a chance to be patient, suspend judgement, and stay calm. Everything in life has become fast-paced so our reactions are following that trend, harming our relationships in the long run.
Cultivating calm in a difficult situation comes from becoming more accepting; more open regardless of what you face instead of having an immediate reaction.
Here are my six tips for practising and cultivating equanimity:
Be open to changes of every kind instead of resisting them
Trust in the process rather than fixating on outcomes
Be fully present and don’t give in to [digital] distractions
Pause, assess your feelings, and reflect on your thoughts instead of reacting or judging immediately
Be curious and unattached when facing discomfort of any kind. Accepting that everything is impermanent makes it easier to deal with.
Appreciate and celebrate how far along you’ve come. Let evidence of overcoming past obstacles inspire you to keep going.
In sum, when I truly know myself [having defined my normal] and have learnt how to cultivate equanimity, I can face whatever life throws at me. I can live authentically and won’t be shaken by tremors.’
Bonus: Download a poster with Shivani’s 6 tips for practising equanimity via the button below
About Shivani Narang
Shivani is a mindfulness and emotional well-being coach who helps people navigate stress, build self-awareness, find authenticity, and balance in their everyday lives. Through her workshops, talks, and coaching, she creates a space for honest conversations about mental health, demystifying complex mental health topics and the small but powerful shifts that lead to real change.
Her approach is simple, full of practical tools, strategies, mindful habits, and a deeper understanding of how we can show up for ourselves every day. Shivani believes that slowing down isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. And she’s here to remind us all that taking care of our minds isn’t just important—it’s life-changing.
Liked the insights shared in this post?
Check out Shivani’s workshop on Mental Health and Mindfulness here.
You can also listen to her podcast on authenticity as the source of joy and how your emotions might be affecting your waistline.
With gratitude,
Raksha
Ps. Don’t forget to leave a comment/heart if you liked the post. Or restack to share the love :)
I really enjoyed this piece Raksha. Thanks for capturing these useful tips and suggestions in this interview with Shivani.
I particularly resonate with the idea of leaving home at a young age. Whilst it's not an option that comes without its hurdles, it helped me discover what my 'normal' was without being coerced by society.