I Made the Choice to Set Boundaries. Now What?
A reflection on the choices we make, the consequences we never thought they'd have, and why a needs assessment can help with setting boundaries.
Why Certain Choices Hurt
Two weeks ago, a dear friend shared how their relationship with a family member had become so fragile they hardly spoke anymore. Not even on special occasions.
โIโve put some boundaries in place which have resulted in us becoming estranged. It makes me sad, because Iโm related to the person and had hoped they wouldnโt cut me off like that. I still care about them but cannot let their misbehaviour continue.โ
โHmmโ, I nodded. This scenario of setting boundaries with people because their behaviour doesnโt suit us may be familiar for many:
We may love/like a person but dislike the way they treat us at times.
We may have tolerated way too much and impacted our self-esteem in the process.
We may never be able to convince them that what theyโre doing is wrong.
So, we set boundaries that limit how often we speak, meet up, or what we share.
Either way, we make a choice consciously or subconsciously which affects the nature of the relationship. More often than not, we donโt account for the hurt or sadness we may end up feeling/causing based on these choices.
Why a Needs Assessment Can Help with Choices
โI have cried and worried about these situations too and wish I knew what to say. I hope you know youโre not aloneโ I admitted later on. It was a special day for my friend and the pain of being ignored and neglected was evident in their eyes.
At the end of that evening, I went to bed with a mental note โmeditate on this story when you can.โ Here is the result of that meditation:
In the HR world I originally come from (pre-writing, mind you) we start every process with a needs assessment. You learn to ask about and determine each employeeโs learning needs before putting together a training plan. Hiring is similar: we look at what each department needs based on the strategic plan of the company. It works, and thatโs the reason I believe we can use a needs assessment model for humans too.
Albeit old, Maslowโs hierarchy of needs is a good example to rely on. As youโll see in the article Iโve linked above, level 3 (love and belonging) and level 4 (self-esteem) are closely connected.
Our need for self-esteem is deeply linked to a need for being respected by others. In other words, it makes complete sense that we are impacted when someone (especially a family member or close friend) routinely misbehaves with, or disrespects and insults us.
Reflecting on the Boundaries We Set and the Choices We Make
I recommend taking a pen and paper or jotting this reflection down in your journal to get the most out of it.
First, have a look at Maslowโs hierarchy of needs (note: Iโm using the basic model for this exercise but feel free to use the expanded model) to understand what is important to you at this point in your life: There is no right or wrong level to be at, and the levels may overlap/depend on the stage of life you are in too.
Next, assess what you desire based on the level you are at: Some people may value self-esteem or ethics higher than job stability, so youโll see them walk/stay away from anything that conflicts their values. This is why writing down where you believe you are and what you need is so helpful.
Have a look at your choices in relation to your needs: If preserving your self-esteem is important to you e.g., then setting boundaries is the right thing to do. You are honouring this need by safeguarding yourself from people who hurt you with their behaviour. On the other hand, if family, belonging, and friends mean more to you than self-respect and self-esteem, you probably wonโt put (strict) boundaries in place. And again, there is no right or wrong choice. Itโs what works well for you and your needs.
Assess how your choices may impact you in the future. Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Will the person still want to speak/meet with you if you choose not to discuss finances? Will you want to work in a company that isnโt inclusive but pays well? Simply put, will you be okay with the consequences of each choice based on your needs? Map it out. This will help you play devilโs advocate with yourself and know what to expect instead of being caught off-guard.
If you wonโt be okay/believe you cannot deal with the consequences of your choices, you are always welcome to choose differently. Alignment looks different for everyone and the last thing we should do is shame ourselves.
Boundaries and Choices are Not That Simple
Yes, this exercise is simple and may not cover every aspect of relationships. What it does help with is putting our emotions aside and looking at scenarios logically by asking questions such as โwould I rather feel insulted each time by choosing to keep (no boundaries with) person X in my life?โ
The answers that flowed from this meditation empowered me a lot - I saw what I cannot accept in my life and what mattered most to me. I made peace with the outcome of my choices since these choices are aligned with my needs. I hope you gain clarity too.
Remember: feeling sad is okay. Experiencing pain is okay too. Theyโre part of being human and are not our end. We will get past them if we acknowledge what they are wanting to teach us.
With gratitude,
Raksha