Making Time for Guftagoo with Friends
Guftagoo is the Persian word for deep conversations. Want to know how to have more meaningful conversations with friends?
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years - Richard Bach
Hello again, my dear reader!
I’m here to ask you a simple question on this Monday: When was the last time you caught up with a friend?
Guftagoo is the Persian (and Urdu) word for having a conversation with a friend. Written in the Perso-Arabic script, it looks like this: گفتگو
It’s not just another word for talking. Guftagoo implies a conversation that goes far beyond a chat by being meaningful and helpful through active listening.
Most of my friends live abroad, which makes it a struggle to catch up with them regularly. But last week I had my share of guftagoo by catching up with three dear friends – two virtually and one in person.
The first guftagoo was with a friend from my time at secondary school - a WhatsApp conversation characterised by the sending and receiving of voice notes. It felt like a little podcast of our own, where we could tune in and share as and when we liked.
I’d listen to my friend’s messages while doing chores around the house, and send off my response at night before bed. Despite the difference in time, we’d made it work.
The second one took place online via video call, and lasted more than 2 hours. We sipped on drinks from our respective homes and it almost felt like sitting at a bar together.
The last conversation was in person. We went to the museum together to drool over a new exhibition, followed by a cup of coffee and a walk.
What surprised me was how my friends and I had chatted about everything under the sun irrespective of the methods we’d chosen for catching up and the effort it had taken us.
The conversations had gone from our day at work to our beliefs, (sub)conscious and strange behaviour, family, the effect of upbringing, and the weather. It digressed to many other topics like the truths and fibs on social media and the immense effort it takes to meet all our commitments these days.
It dawned on me how there was no reason to put off a conversation with a good friend. All I needed to do was start and say “hey, are you free to catch up?”
There’ll always be something that needs your immediate attention. There will always be that thing you need to do at home. On the contrary, having good friends is a real privilege that we can lose out on due to neglect. Moreover, humans have an innate need for socialising, and feeling seen and heard by their community.
A very close buddy might say something along the lines of “You’ve forgotten me” when you reach out after long. Others will simply keep quiet in the hopes that you’ll reach out sometime soon.
Regardless of what is said and done, our role in life is not to judge friends but be there for and with them. If a friend seems to have forgotten you, give them the benefit of the doubt. Their forgetfulness may have nothing to do with you.
In fact, making time for guftagoo will help you understand what has been going on in their lives, show empathy, and be there. Here’s how you can make guftagoo with friends happen:
Do send a random message to a friend requesting a catch-up. Have it in whichever way possible for both of you. Online, call, or in-person.
Do ask about their dreams, passion, and hopes. You might be surprised what you learn.
Do ask deeper questions, such as: “Why do you think this happened?” “How come you chose something else? “What makes you feel that way?”
When possible and applicable, do share a viewpoint/story of your own/ something relatable so the conversation continues. This will help you cut out the awkward silence and exchange ideas.
Do pay attention to non-verbal behaviour and listen before you speak. Try not to interrupt.
Don’t forget humour in rough times. While laughter may not cure our wounds, it can definitely help to lighten the mood.
Don’t taunt someone for their absence or lack of being in touch. Do ask how life has been treating them instead.
I hope you make time for guftagoo with friends soon and cherish the moments :)
With gratitude,
Raksha
True guftagoo for me is when I'm fully present with no distractions around (ie. no phones). Asking those deep questions come a lot easier.
This reminds me of te conversation I had with my colleague today, he is 6 months junior to me but I hate it when they call me "sir" that my name, we were discussing about our drinking preference for our recent trip to a hill station, and he was conscious to share his will to try some hard drinks, yeah habitual drinking is bad, but once in a year is perishable, and no one is judging him for his wish to drink during the trip, when drinks are actually offered to everyone who want to. No one is judging anyone, all are busy in enjoying their time.
I felt great full to be their to talk about this with his when he needed this conversation, and this opened so many other though processes for me too.