You're Unlovable Until Proven Wrong
After years of feeling unlovable, here's what changed my life.
It's officially that time of the year: Valentine’s Day.
Did hearing that make you cringe?
I don't blame you.
Growing up with fairytales and cheesy movies gives us a certain impression: We perceive true love as hard to come by and easy to lose.
As for cheesiness, remember the pink and white teddy bears, hearts, and roses that swarm the market a month before this day? LOL.
I remember being gifted balloons, chocolates, and candles with hearts on them in my teens and early twenties. Until one day, just looking at them made me sick to the stomach.
Is there a reason we go from lovestruck Lulu to completely disillusioned at some point in life? YES.
I believe it has a lot to do with the stories we are told.
In classic fairytales e.g., a knight in shining armour comes to the rescue of a helpless damsel. They get married and live happily ever after. Or a mermaid sheds her identity and goes to live on land with her prince. Ditto for the marriage part.
Many movies, especially Bollywood (which I grew up watching), assert the same tropes.
These stories don’t illustrate identity crises, relationship stress, or a mismatch of expectations, cultures, and belief systems. They lead us to think:
The prince/princess will arrive because I need help.
That person will be the one to take care of me.
My identity must be shed because I am unfit for someone else's world.
‘Happily ever after’ is a given once I find that person.
While a few of these expectations may turn into reality, many of us grasp how real life doesn’t match up to what we have watched/read. So, we end up building barriers to love: These are high walls that keep love far away and unattainable thanks to our experiences.
Here are some barriers that I had subconsciously built:
I cannot be loved because I'm a foreigner.
I cannot be loved because my values are different.
I cannot be loved because no one will understand my dreams.
Friends told me they had built the following barriers:
I cannot be loved because my identity at birth doesn't match my current identity.
I cannot be loved because I have other views.
I cannot be loved because of the difficulties I have faced in life.
Even though I cringed at pink teddy bears and heart-shaped trinkets, I kept believing in love. I had gone through my set of failures and built my barriers, yet I wanted to be loved, seen, and appreciated. How conflicting and enlightening at once!
One fine day, I had the bright idea to ask people who had found true, lasting love around me to share their secrets. Here's what they said:
“I worked on my insecurities, doubts, and beliefs first. That cleared the way to finding my special person.”
‘I accepted my identity before expecting someone else to. Only when I accepted myself did others who accepted me come along.”
“I stopped expecting others to save or complete me because that's my own responsibility.”
“ I gave my partner respect and space to be themselves. Just like I wanted space and respect.”
“Happily ever after is not a given: you've got to consciously work on it. Even with the right person.”
That’s when I realised how much effort love takes to find and hold on to. I also understood that no one is unlovable. When I made these changes to my mindset, I slowly and steadily pulled down my barriers. I effortlessly found someone to spend life with a year later.
Knowing this could have saved me from heartbreaks, tears, and fighting with myself but as they say: nothing happens before it is meant to. I am eternally grateful for learning these lessons.
Rumi, the famous Sufi poet, seemed aware of the secret to finding love all along:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi
I’ll leave you with a question to reflect on if you’ve ever felt unlovable:
Have you subconsciously built barriers to love? And what will it take for you to pull them down?
With gratitude,
Raksha