Part 2 - Dream Big, Be Successful, and Stay Grounded

In this installment, coach Niki Vinogradoff shares how to build a consistent mindfulness practice (with your children), and techniques for having a fulfilling life despite chronic pain/illness.

Photo by Yohann Lc on Unsplash

In part 1 of this interview, neuroscience-based leadership coach Niki Vinogradoff shared how seeking dopamine in the wrong places can hurt us, and where to seek it instead. He also shared why dreams help us grow and find fulfillment, how to work on them, and how to balance passion with purpose.

In case you missed out on part 1, you can read it here. If you missed out on his 15-minute mindfulness meditation or would like to do it again, here it is :)

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How can parents teach children to be more mindful so they don't have to worry about FOMO as adults? 

Children learn best when we as parents set great examples - they absorb energy from the atmosphere at home and their parents’ habits. It’s also important to understand that the analytical part of our brain begins to develop at the age of 7. As parents, our aim is to help children foster self-trust and contentment, encourage them to see through the noise of social media, and go beyond the unrealistic ideals it portrays. 

You can integrate familiar characters your children love into their meditations - from a movie or book for example. I do this at home with my own daughter when she has trouble at school or can’t fall asleep, with “Let’s close our eyes for a minute and imagine: what would Moana do in a challenging situation like yours? What would she say to you, and how would it feel if you had her powers?” This connects her to her inner strength. 

She sometimes joins me in meditation, and this is not because I asked or told her to; she has seen the positive effects it has had on me. Forcing our beliefs and practices on a child is not the way forward, humans have a basic need to be autonomous.

Try to be a consistent example who guides them gently. Create awareness on the realities of life and support them in understanding and defining who they are to confidently go through life. 

Can you slow down, live mindfully, and still be successful? 

Most people confuse stress as a necessary component to prepare for the difficulties of the future, and that is one of the reasons why around 77% of the adult population lives with low background anxiety that physically impacts them. This makes you feel like you’re in a very driven state but it’s not a healthy way. You’re actually being pulled forward through a survival instinct which is costing you huge amounts of energy.

Stress’ main purpose is to save us; it’s built for a scenario where a lion is about to eat us and we need to run away from the situation quickly. You wouldn’t have the luxury of slowing down at that moment. Your body and mind would force you to move away.

It becomes a problem when a modern person is always afraid of being chased by the next lion behind a corner. Thoughts such as What will I do when AI takes over? What happens if I lose my job? are perceived as the lion in modern lives. 

We can break this cycle, and we can only do it by recognising we are in a constant state of stress. This has distorted our perception of reality and made it look and feel like life is one big problem to solve.

It’s good to acknowledge your stress first and actively take steps to calm yourself down through breathing and relaxation practices. They send signals to your brain that there’s no immediate threat so it deactivates the stress response. 

Slowing down will not only help you enjoy life more but also function MUCH better. It’s a misconception that slowing down makes you less productive or successful. Yes, it may be uncomfortable to step back from a high-stress state. But the more you practise, the calmer and more creative you’ll get. 

I know it sounds counterintuitive because we’ve become accustomed to stress, like the story of the fish not recognising that it is living in water. You may not realise how stressed you are until you experience true calm. 

If you become a calm person and are placed in a high-stress environment, you’ll know how to keep inner calm by setting boundaries, taking breaks, and practising mindfulness. Even if your environment is demanding, you’ll be able to navigate it by staying grounded. 

In other words, being calm and successful is entirely possible. 

How can people whose chronic pain or illness impacts their quality of life and mental well-being practise mindfulness?

This is a different situation altogether; their lion is not around the corner (external sources) but comes from that constant feeling of pain or illness from within (internal sources). Moreover, when people have a life-threatening disease that is painful, that’s a different story. 

Firstly, we’ve got to have compassion for them because chronic pain or illness significantly impacts their quality of life. I can offer some insights from psychology and science, my own experience, and having close family members (like my mom who has cancer and chronic pain).

Psychological research has shown that attention to pain increases its intensity. We’ve all had an experience of intense pain but then something caught our attention and we forgot the pain. So, the stories we tell ourselves of pain can amplify or subdue our suffering - this I know to be 100% true.

You can, for example, become frustrated and full of despair if you tell yourself that the pain shouldn’t be there, that it ruins your life, and that it is wrong.

Instead, acknowledge these feelings without letting them take over your thoughts. Try focusing on what is still meaningful in your life,  and what you can control to move forward and shift your perspective. You can focus on being a good role model for your children or allow your personal goals to motivate and give you a sense of purpose. 

In the meantime, remember to recognise and validate your emotions, since ignoring or suppressing them will make them persist. One client carried resentment for his breakup for 40 years e.g., only to realise he could have let it go much earlier (39 years ago, to be exact). His example clearly illustrates how negative emotions can unnecessarily prolong our suffering. 

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can greatly help you with this. They will help you train the brain to see and focus on the present moment instead of the pain, reduce the perception of pain, and help you manage stress. 

We cannot change emotions by fighting them; we can learn from them by addressing their underlying causes.

I want to emphasise that going through chronic pain is not just a matter of perspective or lack of ability to deal with it; what I’m saying is that we can help ourselves through different practices - it’s a service to ourselves, not a performance.

Many people experience resistance to meditation. Some fall asleep, while others find it hard to practise. How can we overcome this?

I have lived in a Buddhist meditation centre and would like to share what I learnt there. Resistance to meditation is very much related to what we were talking about earlier; you can’t relax, close your eyes, and be still if you think that the lion is chasing you. 

Secondly, people have so much suppressed exhaustion in themselves which they get by staying up late, not dealing with their stress or by not sleeping enough. That pent-up fatigue comes up during meditation as we relax.

If you’ve been avoiding certain thoughts or feelings, meditation will also bring these to the surface, because through meditation we become conscious of what is usually below our conscious mind, causing discomfort. The mind always tries to avoid discomfort and this manifests itself as resistance to meditation.

Another fallacy is to think meditation delivers immediate results. This is never the case so don’t give up; anything you start from scratch will take considerable time to bear fruit. 

I challenge my clients to start meditating for 15 minutes daily over a period of 30 days. Then, I invite them to take a break for 10 days to see the difference meditation has made to their lives. This is a worthy experiment to test out. 

The next thing I suggest is to let go of fears and expectations when meditating. Understand that fears are normal and it’s your body’s way of keeping you safe. And then take small steps each day towards this practice. 

If meditating for 15 minutes is daunting, then start with 5 minutes and gradually make it longer. Remember to celebrate wins like these to build confidence and reduce your resistance. 

Lastly, don’t compare yourself to seasoned practitioners. Focus on your unique journey and what it can give you. Patience and self-compassion will help you cultivate a consistent spiritual practice. 

BTW: Niki’s newsletter “Focus like a Yogi” is a great resource for improving your life and achieving success.

Did you like this interview? And would you like more interview-based articles in the future? Let me know in the comments and I’ll make it happen :)

With gratitude,

Raksha