Parent-Child Relationships: When Should You Let Go?

A reflection on the parent-child relationship, how hard it is to let go from both sides, and how to sleep soundly at night.

Photo of a telephone by Louis Hansel

On a sunny and warm winter’s day in Barcelona, a call with a friend brought about an unexpected conversation. His adolescent son was seemingly growing up too fast. “I’m trying to get used to all the big changes, you know.”

“Sounds like you’ll get to have fun together as adults now, and do things children can’t do” I replied enthusiastically.

“Hmm, it’s creepy too because I have all this advice I want to give to keep him safe. Do you know what it feels like to see a small piece of you in the world for the first time? A human being that is half you and half another person, alive and kicking? You immediately know your life will never be the same”, he said.

No, I admitted. “I don’t know what it feels like. But tell me more, I’m curious” I replied. He shared more stories and I was left in awe of the parenting methods he’d chosen. I had even more respect for him as a friend that day.

Later on, a family member shared how hard it was to say goodbye to their child at the airport. It was time to go back to university again, and the kids would be dearly missed.

I pondered on these two experiences for a few days, thinking of the dualities of nature from a child’s perspective.

We children are born into a home, and right from the beginning, we require care and nurturing. We rely on our parents for food and shelter, and teaching us the basics like speaking, listening, values, and morals. We slowly learn the ways of the world by going to school and socialising.

Then, one fine day, we want to to leave that same comfy, warm home our parents made for us. To fledge like young birds from a nest. We become eager to flap our wings and show our parents and the rest of the world how high we can soar. So they can be proud of us.

We probably forget how having to let go must feel for our parents. Their beloved baby is suddenly ready to leave them. Perhaps we aren’t aware of the effort it takes for them to see our capabilities and willingness to go out in this world on our own.

In a heartwarming novel by Fredrik Backman, there are countless beautiful lines on the parent-child relationship. One of my favourites is about a parent’s job on being a shoulder for a child, and can be read here (note: I couldn’t include it in my article because of copyright issues).

Now that I’m older and have lived away from my parents for almost a decade, I can see how tough their job as a shoulder was. These days, when I have to return home after spending time with them, I am the one who cries more. I am the one who doesn’t want to let go. And I am the one who thinks: Is that all the time I will get this year with my parents? Oh, how the tables turn!

There is a gap in time and space required for these realisations to come about, however. If you as parents give us the chance to go out in the world and flap our wings, we will never forget your support and tell everyone it was what got us here.

If you show us the nest will be there no matter what, we won’t hesitate to return and share our bright and not-so-bright moments with you.

Moreover, if we ever hear of a storm, we will come by to make sure you are doing okay, because life is too short and we care.

When we realise you were trying to protect us from the glorious myth that is adulting, we will ensure the nest we build with our partner isn’t too far away from yours. Or that we fly over more often. Just so we can wrap our wings around you this time.

Whether you are a parent or child, there is much to think about and appreciate in this vast and deep relationship we have with each other from birth. I, for one, go to bed knowing I am loved and cared for. If you manage to convey this feeling to your child/have felt this as a child, then it’s all good. No time, space, or person can erase that. It’s hard to forget the hand that fed us and caressed us despite our bratty, difficult moments.

The complex parent-child relationship is one that asks us to let go of and trust in each other from afar at a certain point. And to closely invest in and care for each other at the same time. Not easily done. But then, which worthwhile thing ever is?

I shall leave you to reflect on this relationship with another quote by Backman, which explains how a parent may feel when their child becomes aware of their failures at a certain age.

With gratitude,

Raksha